I’m so tired of running from you. Ill come back to you. But I’m not who I am anymore. Teach me how to walk in these new shoes because I’m so so so tired of tripping over my own feet. I hate my life and I love it all at once. My head hurts trying to make sense of things that need no explanation. Why do I thirst to know so much? Why can’t I just let it lie?
Why do I constantly find myself here…even after I thought I had been stripped down to my final 3. And beyond! Why am I still here???
So protective for what??!! Over what??!! I can’t even tell who looks at me and believes in me anymore.
I can’t even look my self in the eye and recognize that woman looking back at me. How could I grow up so fast? I’ve finally caught up with my brain and it’s visible and look at me? I’m immortally alone.
Well here we are God! It’s down to just great and powerful you and great and powerful me. Who’s it gonna be? Who do I trust this time? You or me? Me or you?
I’ve done this before but never like this. No. Never like this. This was almost too perfect. I’ve lost everyone. Pushed out everyone. Mary Shawn Alec Tyler You…God I pushed you out so far it killed my own heart for months….why leave me with the people I’m left with huh? Why?
God why did you make me so stubborn??!! So I can strong and tall against the devil??? The devil has nothing on me! I chose all this! He may have snuck in his little words but he only gets what he wants if I say yes to myself and no to you. I’ve done it so often I don’t know what it’s like to fully trust you. I can see it. But a friend… Shawn actually… Well he told me he never grabbed you by the horns bc he was scared… I never for a second thought that was me until Shawn left me in the dust like everyone else.
Ha.. I could’ve muted out these names. But oh man.. I don’t even give a flying shit anymore. I want it ALL OUT THERE. Yeah Mary Shawn and Alec! The three of you have NO FUCKING IDEA how man indent letters STILL build up next to my bed. How my heart aches for you driving down a road and hearing a certain song. No idea. And even if you did, it doesn’t matter because that life is over. Even if you came back you wouldn’t recognize and skinless bone of girl you knew.
I would give my life for some shmo joe on the street. Ill never lose that love for people again. I won’t let it happen. But I’m stronger now. I may not have my flesh back yet but these dry bones get healthier by the minute.
I know God. I know what you want from me. I know all you want is for me to just walk straight towards you on this Jesus bridge into your arms.
But God I know you love me. I just can’t feel it right now. All I feel is frustrated. I haven’t felt this lost in my entire life and I swear I’ve always known to come back to you but now that the ride has stopped and it’s time to go… I’m so scared again…who am I? You’ll show me… Who loves me? You do… Who will marry me? Love me here on earth? Will I ever have a best friend again??? All I’ve ever wanted was a friend… But all I’ve ever done was genuinely … Try to make people feel like they need me… And when I gave up that bullshit… I tripped up like what do I do? Then I had some real friends… And then they were gone… Because of ME. Because he hated me. God he hates me and it hurts so bad. It’s like every time they walk out of my life a piece of me dies and I just smile and say. “God you’ve got me. I trust you.” And I mean every word. I believe you. I trust you. But God… It hurts so much. I wish I could trust you without all this pain. It feels like my heart is tearing out of my chest. And dancing. I’m so happy… So relieved that I know it will be okay soon.. But this meantime.. God I’ve never let all this pain out before. None of it has ever been this real. It’s so necessary but I shut it off so long and it’s 4am and all I want to do writhe and scream it all out of me.
You created me. So wise beyond my years. So beautiful in your image. Have me so much confidence, I’d never look in the mirror and call myself ugly. You gave me strength and dignity. The ability to smile at even my darkest moments. Even now writhing in pain on my floor sobbing I could crack a joke and a smile about this image in itself. God you have me the ability to love so much that I would fight for someone until MY breath gave out. You gave me boldness. Curiosity. Knowledge. Wisdom that many of my elders envy. You have me feet legs hands arms to walk out your words. Spill it out in ink for the world to see and read. Gave me a creative soul to listen and breathe artistic insight and observe rather than see the world around me.
God you gave me so much power.
So why am I still sitting in this stupid little room crying and afraid of all of it? I want that!! God what is still here that I’m still holding onto?? I don’t even know my fallback now… I thought I did… I also though maybe I’m just purely scared? But again, I’m not. So what is it? I’m going to grieve these few days, God. You know how long I need. I’m trusting you? So I’m gonna let it all out. I’m gonna grieve it out to its FULL extent. Even if I have to go find these hurts and take care of them face to face. And when YOU are ready, you bring me that last setback. So I can drop kick it. IM THROUGH WITH THIS.